Forgive Me, Dean
by KToon
Summary: I did this for everybody. For the world. For you. (Death!Fic) (Now Complete)
1. Chapter 1

FORGIVE ME, DEAN

**(IMPORTANT NOTES BELOW)**

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **I know, I know. Where have I been? When am I going to finish the 1,000 other stories I need to complete? I don't know, honestly. Some crazy stuff has happened, leaving no room for writing. But here I am. I hope to catch up on some of my old works soon. I'm also 30k words into a new story I've been working on for a long while. I hope you enjoy this little drabble as an apology.

**NOTE: **This is an EXPERIMENTAL piece of writing. For the third chapter mainly, I'm probably going to end up playing around with formatting a lot. It includes a lot of transcripts and reports and stuff to go along with the story. The first two chapters are the main part, and the 3rd is just for fun and extra.

**THIS IS AN AU:** This piece of writing is basically all of my headcannons put together in a sloppy, abstract piece of art. It includes a lot of things I believe happened, but are not cannon. So don't expect this to follow Season 1-8 storylines to a tee. It won't. This takes place all the way from pre-season to the finale Sacrifice.

**NECESSARY WARNINGS:** This story is very dark, and rated T for a reason. It contains many themes of suicide, non-graphic rape/non-con, and depression. Lots of language, as well. Read safely, my lovelies.

**DEDICATED TO:** My friend Paris, who suffers from suicidal tendencies, anxiety, and depression a lot. I wrote this to bring attention to suicide, not demoralize it. I have experienced my fair share of issues, and I would never try and take advantage of a serious topic as such. I love you, girl. Now keep on fighting.

**SCHEDULE:** 98% of this story is finished. I just have to complete some of the other reports/transcripts for the third chapter, and I'll be done. The second chapter is complete. I hope to have the chapters up once a day, meaning Chapter Two will be uploaded tomorrow with certainty.

**I hope you enjoy.**

**Reviews keep me going, and if you have a moment of your time I would appreciate one to let me know if this is any good.**

**Oh, and one last final warning: you may want some tissues. I don't know.**

**Enjoy.**

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_Dean_

_I know you hate me right now. I'd hate me, too. But I hope at some point you'll be able to look past that and forgive me. I understand it's wishful thinking, but please. That's something I need._

_I must say, I've got no idea what you're feeling right now. Perhaps it's a mixture of grief and sadness; maybe, it's anger and hate; most likely, it's a cocktail of relief and release. You hide, but I see. Ever since we were kids, I know all I've ever been is a burden—a weight draped about your neck, unrelentingly tugging down, down, down._

_I've always been the selfish one. _

_Wanted more than I could have, always asking for things you couldn't possibly provide. Yet you always pulled through somehow. I begged you for those red suede shoes when we had no money—you worked three overtimes to get me them for Christmas. I wanted to have a normal Halloween—you read for six hours on how to sew a costume._

_I know it wasn't justified. You constantly gave whilst I constantly stole. It wasn't fair to you, and I see that now. Past the facade of hardened stone, you were the selfless one. _

_And then I left you for college. I'm not going to lie, I don't remember much of what I said to Dad that night; I do, however, remember the punch he threw. I'd seen the conflict in your eyes as you tried to determine what to do. I'd seen the guilt clouding his own as he realized what he'd done. I asked you to come with me._

_Why did you stay?_

_Honestly, my first year of Stanford was the worst of my life. I was lonely and struggling without you, my grades plummeting and headspace blackening. Then, one day, Brady introduced me to Jessica, and she saved my life._

_I know you didn't know her well, but she was the most important person in my life, save for you. She helped me with my hastily increasing depression, pulling me from the ocean I was drowning in, per se._

_We moved in together on my 20th birthday, merely six months after we met. She was amazing._

_You don't know much of the ordinary life I lived. So let me tell you this: we went on ski trips in the winter and beach vacations in the summer; I met her parents and had Sunday suppers with them, big hams and turkeys for the holidays; we were in the process of adopting a dog when she died. We had talked about that specifically for quite a while. We both agreed a pet would be good for my health. I had bought her a ring and everything—a ring never worn, that I still hold dear._

_I think she knew I was going to propose to her that Monday. That's why I was so eager to get back to her, too. It wasn't just the interview, otherwise I wouldn't have cared so much. We were going down to the shores that night. It would've been perfect. I thought proposing on November 2nd would mean a lot to Mom...to know that we're still going, y'know? _

_That went up in flames, though, too. All of it._

_Remember two years into Stanford, I called you one night, distraught and crying? I ended up telling you I drunk dialed your number. Not that you believed it, but still._

_You've got no idea how close I was to ending it that night. You saved me until Jess got home from work to help me through the episode._

_I never got to thank you for that._

_After she was gone, I didn't have her to help anymore. But I now had you. It wasn't my best time of mental health, but it could've been a lot worse. In fact, it had been before. I knew Jess wouldn't have wanted me to crash. So I tried my best to stay afloat._

_I never got to thank you for these things, either: guiding me through the night terrors, booze, vomiting, and sobbing. Jess wasn't there, but you were, and that was all that mattered._

_Sometimes I wonder how things would've turned out had I shot Dad when Azazel was in him. I know I couldn't have, though. Despite him pissing me off constantly, treating us like shit, and not taking care of his own kids, I couldn't have done it. I loved him too much. And I've never forgiven myself for yelling at him before he died._

_He died._

_That was the straw that broke the camel's back. On December 3rd, 2006, I had my first suicide attempt. You clearly wanted Mom and Dad there more than me, so I headed down to the crossroads. This was after the clown case we took, and the Impala was still trashed (which was my fault, too)._

_It would've worked, had the demon wanted to deal. She refused, though, and years later I would find out why. You needed to go to hell and break the first seal, and selling my soul would disrupt all that. _

_I didn't even ask for 10 years, let alone one. I just asked to go. Bring Mom and Dad back right then and there, and take me. When she said no, I didn't know what to do with myself. I exercised the demon, got the woman to the hospital, and went back to Bobby's. You were still working on the car when I downed the whole bottle of sleeping pills._

_Bobby came to get me for something I can't remember—a chore, maybe. All I know is he saw me unconscious, and forced me to throw up. Saved my life._

_Problem was, he knew._

_He knew everything._

_He knew my desire to die, my constricting anxiety and depression. I didn't know what to do. He gave me a real good talking for an hour straight, not letting me speak my half, about my value and importance to you. Helped me understand. He took me to a local clinic as well, just to make sure the overdose had no everlasting effects. Then he told me that he needed to tell you._

_I panicked._

_I'd researched some spells and mythology for a semester course I took at college. I ended up using an ancient Mayan spell from very long ago to wipe his memory. I've never forgiven myself for it, and I never will—altering his mind and perception like that was one of the worst things I've ever done to this day. Especially when I did it to my surrogate father, at that._

_That incident kept me going for quite a long time. Then I died._

_I wish to God everyday I'd killed Jake when I had the chance._

_Every. Fucking. Day._

_None of this shit would've happened if I had brought that piece of plywood down. You would've done it. I just let my morals get in the way. When he stabbed me in the back, it was quick. He was in the military. He knew how to make a death effective, but humane. Straight through the spinal cord. There was a really sharp, pinching pain for a short while, and I felt your hands on me, before everything went black._

_I ended up with Jessica. She hated seeing me there in heaven, but at the same time, we were both just grateful to see each other again. She didn't know how she died, and I didn't tell her. She needed that innocence, still._

_We had this lasagna she used to make all the time for dinner. It was good._

_And then there was a cloud of black smoke, disorienting me, and I woke up on that moldy, sodden mattress in Cold Oak. I was too confused, at first, to process what had happened. I felt a moment of panic of where Jess had went, even._

_At that moment, you walked in the door, and I knew EXACTLY what went down. I was pissed as hell. Then wasn't the time for that, though—we had to stop Jake and Yellow Eyes._

_I could never describe to you the feelings I felt when you pulled the trigger of the Colt. The demon, whom had screwed me over my entire life, dead. Relief like none other. Revenge for Mom. Our whole life's work...complete._

_But the world wasn't finished with us yet, of course._

_Next was Mystery Spot. That is still hard for me to talk about to this day. You have zero idea what that was like. I lost count of your death toll when it reached 100. I didn't bother to count after that. Seeing you die, horridly, everyday, shattered me in incomprehensible ways, and I'm ashamed. The panic attacks when I finally got you back...needless to say, I'm glad you were never there to witness one._

_You know, it wasn't just your deaths, either, that broke me. It was the three unorthodox months I lived without you that did me in. That's right. I never told you. You didn't need that knowledge to bear, anyway. _

_When the hellhounds mauled you to death...I must say I was half-expecting Asia to begin playing. But it never came, and I had never wished to hear those lyrics more._

_You had saved me, and I had failed to save you._

_What kind of brother does that make me?_

_Those four months without you is something I'm not proud of. I was in a vulnerable position, weak, and Ruby took advantage of my gullibleness. She coerced me into the blood, using your death as the motivator._

_For your information, Dean, I never wanted Ruby and I's relationship to turn intimate. Never. She pulled me into the grave, though, pressuring me into sex and more blood. I was a disgrace to your memory and I knew it. I guess that's why they say, 'On the path of revenge, dig two graves instead of one—one for your goal and one for yourself.'_

_Because hell knows I lost myself in the process._

_I won't continue on this topic. I know you don't like talking about it, let alone hearing me explain myself. Nothing I say will justify my actions._

_I will ask this, though: why didn't you follow through with what you said on your voicemail? I was waiting for you to snap and just pull the trigger. I still kept the message to this day, even, to remind me to not go off the rails again._

_I guess I'll never know._

_Amidst this, I learned I was Lucifer's vessel. Shocker, am I right? That's sardonic, by the way—it really wasn't. I was just surprised I could be even more messed up. Even more of an abomination, as Cas would say._

_Lucifer came to my dreams every damn night. I never got much sleep, maybe a grand total of 18 hours a week. Did you know the average, normal adult is meant to get a minimal of 56? Unheard of, right? I know._

_I couldn't sleep. Not with what he was doing to...with...me. He'd use you, sometimes Jess, or Mom and Dad. I couldn't take it. I wasn't with you—you were gone, I was alone, and I had nobody during my disastrous moments to help._

_I was slowly depleting, weakening, and I knew it. The yes was on the tip of my tongue and I didn't know what do._

_So, I did the only thing I could think of to stop him from getting to me._

_This time I used a gun in the forest where I could have some peace. Put on the copy of the album you gave me for my fourteenth birthday with a small, handheld mixtape player._

_From there, things got chaotic. I did everything I could think of to keep me dead. Nothing worked. He just brought me back every time, even when I got creative._

_I was perfecting a plan to trap myself under cement, alive, so he could never find me when you called. I couldn't resist going back to you. _

_I don't remember how many times I tried to kill myself, so don't ask. I lost count—just like Mystery Spot._

_The Cage…_

_Words cannot describe it. The things they did to Adam and me, you don't want to know. Trust me. You nod your head, but you don't understand. They took us in every way possible. On a rack, chained, disemboweled, gutted...bent over._

_I know you understand Hell. But do you know how it feels to taste your own heart before you die?_

_My time soulless...I don't remember much. I was too crazed by memories and flashbacks to discern what was real. _

_Thank you, and thank you Cas for saving me from my own mind. Stone number one, eh?_

_You may ask how I remember the Cage enough to write about it here. I must admit, I was a bit out of it down there, but I clearly recall Lucifer telling me timestamps every 100 years to taunt me._

_I didn't care to listen after 50._

_Time passes differently in the Cage than in Hell. It passes as slow as Lucifer wants it to._

_Cas stole away the insanity, but not the memories._

_Dean, before I end this letter, I don't know how much of the penny case you remember, but it was all true, what you said._

_Except for Amelia._

_I never just quit looking for you. Not at all. I was just too ashamed of what I became when you were gone. I didn't know where you were. Purgatory didn't even cross my mind._

_I'm so sorry._

_I'd thought you were in heaven. How come whenever I try and be selfless I always end up egotistical? Who knows._

_When I hit the dog (he had a name, and I reserve the right to call him by his name because he saved my life: Riot) I was drunk off my ass and headed to a cliff. Not in the Impala, of course. I would never do that to her, nor you._

_Finally some peace._

_But then I hit 'em, and things sped up again. Amelia became the new Jess, and the new you. Not in the way that you're thinking, of course. She would never replace you or Jess. Never. She simply became the person burdened with the task of keeping me from killing myself._

_We were just two people, lost, hanging onto each other for dear life._

_So don't think I just left you. That's not what happened. Please._

_I hope I explained some things. Attached is an envelope that can maybe explain things even more than I ever could. Read it. I beg you. Jessica's ring is also in there. If you could take it to her grave...thank you. She finally deserves it. Our amulet is in there, too. I could never let it go._

_How's the world without monsters? Well, demons at least. Too bad I can never see it. I hope you settle down with someone nice. You've earned it._

_Just do me one favor. My dying wish, if you will._

_Live your life, and live it well._

_I did this for everybody._

_For the world._

_For you._

_The gates are closed. Use that._

_Don't bring me back._

_I plead you, don't._

_You let go of me with the Cage. Do it again._

_I love you, Dean._

_So fucking much._

_And I'm sorry I did so much stupid shit in my life to screw it all up, but please forgive me._

_I may have always been the selfish one, but I've only ever thought of you._

_I'm sorry._

_Sincerely,_

_Sam_

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tbc


	2. Chapter 2

**NOTE:** See first chapter for warnings and A/N's. I also forgot to mention that this is unbetead, so any and all mistakes are my own. Also, thank you to StaryCowGirl for the review. I appreciate it. I actually had this chapter written before you commented, but I hope this still meets what you were hoping for. This is technically the last chapter of the story, but as aforementioned, I have one more coming out that is in a completely different style, and is just extra, tomorrow. I'd be interested to see what you guys think of it. Those are the reports/transcripts mentioned here.

**Reviews keep me going, and let me know if my stories are any good.**

**If you could spare a moment, please let me know what you think.**

**Enjoy.**

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_Sam_

_It's been a whole year since it went down. The gates, I mean. _

_I found your letter in my duffel the night that I got back from the area. And you're right. I hate you. I hate you so much it hurts. I've never been the type of person to wear my heart on my sleeve, but goddamnit Sammy, you are the smartest yet most stupid person I have ever met. I loathe you for what you did, and I think I always will. Some part of me, at least._

_Because now I no longer have a brother._

_I don't have someone to annoy me about my obnoxious tunes in the Impala, or the wretched smell of extra onions I always put on the burgers I make in the bunker's culinary joint. I don't have my geeky sidekick to tell me off about things I've researched wrong on a hunt, or instruct me on a voodoo spell I want to try out for fun. _

_I miss you so much, Sam, and I can barely hold on._

_I know why you did it, of course. Not going to lie, if the situations are reversed, I probably would've done it too. I really wish you could've seen what you did. The world...it's great. Metatron, the douche angel, locked up heaven at the same time you closed the gates. You know what that means? Peace._

_No more angel vs. demon wars, or late-night dangerous hunts. The rest of the monsters have gone into hiding—what little there is left. You affected everything so much and saved so many lives it's unreal._

_You'd be happy to know I'm slowly pulling myself away from hunting. The less supernatural there is out there, well, the less hunters there need to be. Castiel has gone off to do god knows what, but I think he understood I needed a lot of space after you died._

_You died._

_God, that's just such an inscrutable concept._

_We've been together so long...survived so much….I guess I just figured you'd always be there by my side, y'know? Don't you dare laugh at me in heaven about getting poetic, but, you spend your whole life with someone, protecting them, shielding them, loving them, your mind starts to tell you that they're always going to be by your side. You envision growing old together, enjoying life, going to the coast for vacation._

_And then they're gone._

_My point is, I always just guessed that you would be with me until we both died, together. I wish to hell I was right._

_Why us, man?_

_You never asked for all of this; I never asked for all of this. We're just two innocent people who got put in shitty situations, and couldn't figure out a way to climb out of that hole._

_I was never going to write this letter to you. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was way too fragile back then, getting wasted at bars and picking fights I knew I couldn't win (without my little brother). Then, I began growing attached to Reagen. I can just see you jumping up and down in happiness at this; stop it, bitch, and let me explain._

_She's helped me a lot. I originally met her when I was walking home drunk from a bar, and I stumbled into her. Things grew from there, and eventually we got really close. She knows about you. She's known about the hunting life since she was a child, in fact, just like us. What are the odds?_

_She respects you a lot, despite never knowing you. Sam, a lot of people respect you. You've saved this pitiful, spinning piece of trash plenty more times than necessary for one dude, and it's not gone unnoticed. In fact, she's the one who encouraged me to write this letter. With a little pep talking, she managed to get me to sit down at the computer._

_And here I am. _

_Sammy, I don't know what to do without you. I'm trying to live for you, but it's getting harder each day. The guilt is crushing me, and I can't breathe sometimes it's so heavy._

_There's a lot of things we needed to talk about that we never got around to, and I'm hoping this letter can bring some closure, perhaps. I always denied you chick-flick moments, but now I've never wished for one more._

_First off...knowing that you tried to commit suicide not more than 100 feet away from me without my knowledge is...I don't even know what it is. When I initially read that part of your message, I had to stop and recollect myself. I didn't touch your letter for another three days. I was too scared to see how many times I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most—how many times I had screwed up so badly._

_I don't hate you for what you did to Bobby, and I'm sure he wouldn't care that much, either. If he did, it'd be forgotten in a grand total of thirty seconds. It's Bobby, kiddo. He could never hate you. You had a valid reason, anyway, even if I disagree wholeheartedly with the decision._

_I also need to say this. All those things that you did back in 2009, with Ruby and Lilith and the apocalypse...sure, I was pissed as hell at you for what you'd done. Unbelievably angry. But it was misplaced; none of it was truly at you—it was at the sons of bitches who'd caused all this. I don't blame you for what happened. None of it. And knowing what went down between you and Ruby...what you did...I'm sorry I never understood._

_Those transcripts were very difficult to read._

_One thing that I wish so hard for is for you to be here and hear me say is this: that voicemail was never me. I read the transcript you included. It wasn't me. Not at all. Never would I have called you those things, and never would I have promised to kill you. Whether it be Ruby or that dick Zachariah that screwed with the message, we'll never know. But just know this: the message I sent you? I had some real 13 year-old drama crap in there. I could've been in one of those corny "sad" relationship movies and made millions of dollars. _

_I told you that we were still brothers. And no matter what was thrown our way...we'd get past it. Together._

_I'm sorry you never got to hear those words come out of my mouth. Ever._

_I should've said them more often._

_I wish I had._

_And you know what, Sam? Fuck you. Why in the hell did you not tell me about Mystery Spot? I couldn't handle the information? That's bullshit and you know it. I would've helped you, just like I had done that one night at Stanford. But I suppose I can't blame you._

_You say you're the selfish one, when in reality, you're the most altruistic person ever born._

_I wish I had been there for you all those times you were struggling. Telling you to leave...to go away forever and that we were better off apart? I never forgave myself for it. What I saw in 2014 changed my perception of things. I just apologise I was too late in seeing everything for what it was._

_And what Lucifer did...since you were honest with me I'll be honest with you. I know exactly what you're talking about, to the extent of my own Hell. Taking you in every imaginable way...it's torture. But more than 5,000 years? That's...I can't even begin to comprehend that in my mind._

_I never will be able to._

_Words cannot describe the apologies I want to come out of my mouth for Amelia, as well. I know you never stopped looking for me. I just wanted an easy explanation for why you were with a girl instead of saving me—an outlet for that anger. I had to be mad at something, and you were the closest punching bag. _

_I don't remember much of anything I said under the penny's influence, but I can tell you this: it was shit. All of it. None of it was true, and I don't give a rat's ass about what I spout out. You say I was right, but I could never be more wrong. There were so many problems between us that it took the closest ones and amplified them into something more. Such as Doctor Ellicot 8 years ago at the Roosevelt Asylum._

_I took the ring to Jess. And I wear the amulet everyday now. I won't lie through my teeth—I looked for a way to bring you back. But six months of searching turned up nothing, and I finally began to realize that I was doing the exact opposite of what you wanted me to._

_So I stopped._

_And I lived._

_Just like you told me to._

_I've never been one to let go of anything, really. You were my kid brother. The one who always amused me, laughed with me, helped me, cried with me, saved me and loved me. And now you're gone. It's not possible to live with that and be all right. _

_So I'm not._

_I dream about you every night. The things we used to do, like gaze at the stars. The night we set off that crate of fireworks on the Fourth of July. I think about the good memories we have together, and how I'll never be able to make any more._

_I hope you found Jessica again. You deserve to be with her. _

_Today was probably the hardest day of all for me to be without you, if I'm being fair. Because, you know what day it is?_

_It's May 2nd, Sammy. _

_I made you a cake. I know, I know. Dean, going all sappy-hearted? _

_Damn right._

_I just wish you were here to blow out the candles._

_I miss you, Sam, so much. There's a lot I never got to respond to in this letter, but I don't want to waste your time—besides, I think a lot of it goes without saying, am I right? Now go get back to your girl and your heaven._

_I love you, kiddo._

_I'll see you again—I promise._

_But I'll keep going on, because that's the one thing you asked me to do, and the one thing I will obey without question._

_I'll live._

_I promise._

_Happy birthday, Sammy._

_Dean. _


	3. Chapter 3

**NOTES:** Here it is! The final chapter! As aforementioned, it's an experimental piece, so I would love to hear what you think of it. I'll probably end up going back and changing some formatting errors later. Also, in the first chapter, I changed what Sam overdosed on from painkillers to what it is here. It fit better.

**WARNINGS:** See chapter one.

**IMPORTANT:**

**If you are reading on your mobile device, then I would recommend turning the font size down! The formatting can get extremely messed up if it's extra large, so I suggest zooming out quite a bit in order to read it to its entirety. Also, reading with a white background gives it a lot more formal and realistic feel, so I would highly recommend you do that as well! I know that I myself like to read with large text and black background, but here it's simply better to just read it like I've said.**

**Reviews keep me going. If you have the time, I would love to hear what you thought. Especially about this chapter.**

**Thanks to everybody who has commented. I love you guys.**

**Enjoy!**

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**SANFORD USD 34TH & KIWANIS FAMILY MEDICINE**

* * *

**MEDICAL REPORT**

**APPLICANT INFORMATION**

**LAST, FIRST, MIDDLE, INITIAL**

Singer, Sam

**DATE OF BIRTH**

5 / 02 / 1983

**MAILING ADDRESS**

[UNAVAILABLE]

**CITY, STATE, ZIP**

Sioux Falls, SD 57104

**TELEPHONE NUMBER**

**EMAIL ADDRESS**

********at*****.***

**SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER**

[UNAVAILABLE]

**DRIVER'S LICENSE NUMBER**

[UNAVAILABLE]

* * *

**PHYSICIAN'S REPORT**

**I. DISEASE OR CONDITION**

_PSYCHOLOGICAL_

\- SUICIDE ATTEMPT; OVERDOSE ON ESZOPICLONE; MENTAL INSTABILITY

_LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS_

**II. TREATMENT**

_LENGTH_

\- MINIMAL HOURS

_FREQUENCY_

\- SINGLE EVALUATION

_DATE OF LAST EXAMINATION_

N/A

**III. INCIDENT**

\- PATIENT TOOK AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF ESZOPICLONE (LUNESTA). A ROOMING FAMILY MEMBER UTILIZED IPECAC TO INDUCE VOMITING. PATIENT DOES NOT SEEM DISTRAUGHT OR TRAUMATIZED, BUT IS HESITANT TO TALK. SALINE IN AN IV BAG WAS PROVIDED, ALONG WITH NARCOTIC STABILIZERS. PATIENT IS AWAKE AND RESPONSIVE; ALL VITALS ARE NORMALIZED.

**RELEASED DECEMBER 03, 2006**

**SANFORD USD 34TH & KIWANIS FAMILY MEDICINE**

_end of page_

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**PALO ALTO DR. J. KENNINGS THERAPY**

**TRANSCRIPT**

**JANUARY 29, 2003 03:23:00 PM**

**KENNINGS:** Hello, Sam. My name is Doctor Jack Kennings, but you can call me Jack if you'd like.

**SAM:** [PATIENT IS SILENT]

**JESSICA:** It's alright, Sam. I'm right here with you. You can talk to him.

**KENNINGS:** We do not have to discuss anything that you are uncomfortable with. You said you wanted Miss Moore with you during this, correct?

**SAM:** Yes. She stays. I want to do this with her.

**KENNINGS:** That is perfectly fine. So, what brings you here to meet with me today?

**SAM:** [PATIENT IS SILENT]

**JESSICA:** He didn't want to come. But I told him it would be a good idea. Sam, please give this a chance.

**SAM:** [PATIENT IS SILENT]

**SAM:** I want to kill myself.

**KENNINGS:** [WRITES ON NOTEPAD] Why would you like to do that? Is there any particular reason you feel the need to harm yourself?

**SAM:** I don't want to be here. My father hates my guts and the whole world seems stacked against me. That's the simple explanation. [TO JESSICA] I don't like this.

**JESSICA:** We can stop whenever you would like. Don't push it. Would you like to go home, now?

**SAM:** No.

**JESSICA:** Let's continue, then.

**KENNINGS:** Your father's name is [REDACTED], am I correct?

**SAM:** Yes.

**KENNINGS:** Do you think he's part of the reason you feel this way?

**SAM:** Definitely a part of it, but not all of it. Before you jump to conclusions, it's not like that. He wasn't abusive. He just had other priorities that did not concern me.

**KENNINGS:** Alright. I believe you. What are some other reasons?

**SAM:** I feel like I betrayed my family by coming here.

**KENNINGS:** To Stanford?

**SAM:** Yes.

**KENNINGS:** Why do you say that?

**SAM:** Because they wanted me to stay so damn bad, and I shut the door and locked it behind me. I miss my brother.

**KENNINGS:** Did your family ever seem overly-possessive about you?

**SAM:** [LOUDLY] No! They wanted the best for me. They were doing the best they could. I just wanted away from them for a while, is all, to pursue my own dreams.

**KENNINGS:** And they didn't like that?

**SAM:** No.

**KENNINGS:** If you could go back and make the choice to stay with them, would you?

**SAM:** No. But I may take back some of the things I said.

**KENNINGS:** [WRITING]

**KENNINGS:** Have you ever tried to kill yourself, Sam?

**SAM:** No. But I think about it a lot.

**SAM:** I think I'm done here. I really do not want to keep talking about this.

**JESSICA:** Sam, it's alright...

**SAM:** No. We're done.

**KENNINGS:** Okay. We barely used half of our time. Would you like to reschedule?

**SAM: **[GETTING UP] No. This was a mistake coming here. Thank you, but just...no.

**SAM:** [LEAVES]

**JESSICA:** I'm sorry.

**KENNINGS:** It is not your fault. People dealing with depression often do not like to talk. I am going to give you a refund for this occasion. I am also going to prescribe some tricyclic antidepressants. If you can get him to take them, that would help. If not, then it's alright.

**JESSICA:** Thank you.

**END OF TRANSCRIPT**

_end of page_

* * *

_TRANSCRIPT #922841 — SAM WINCHESTER_

_*********at*****.*** _

_THANK YOU FOR USING ******** FOR YOUR TRANSCRIPTS_

**MESSAGES 03/02/2009 04:39:12 AM**

**RUBY**

**R: **Sam, where are you?

**R****: **I need to talk to you.

**R****: **Sam?

**R****: **Hello?

**S****:** What do you need?

**R****:** Where have you been?

**S****:** It doesn't matter.

**R****:** It does when you're relying on my like you are now.

**R****: **How much are you needing a new fix?

**S****: **This is wrong.

**R****:** Oh, come on. You're being a bitch now? You're kidding.

**S****:** Go away.

**R****: **Never thought you were a pussy.

**S****:** I never wanted any of it.

**R****:** What are you talking about? You wanted all of it.

**S:** No.

**S****:** Ruby, leave.

**R****:** What didn't you want? The blood or the sex? If it's the vessel, I can get a new one.

**S****:** I wanted none of it. You manipulated me, and I trusted you.

**S****:** I don't want to see you again.

**R****: **Fine.

**R****:** Don't come whining back to me, though.

**MESSAGES 03/08/2009 01:31:45 AM**

**RUBY**

**S: **Ruby

**S:** something is wrong

**S:** ruby

**S: **please

**S: **hello?

**S:** i don't feel good

**S:** i don't like this

**S:** ruby please

**S:** i need some

**S:** i can't do this

**S:** the lights are too bright

**S:** i can't see

**S:** dean is yelling in my ear

**S:** i thought he was dead though

**S: **it's not like he's wrong

**S: **i am a monster

**S:** ruby please respond

**S: **ruby?

* * *

**MESSAGES 03/09/2009 11:42:09 PM**

**RUBY**

**R:** I thought you didn't want to see me.

**S:** rby

**R:** Do you want some?

**S:** i nd it

**S:** evrythng so moving fast

**R:** Beg for it, and I'll meet you somewhere.

**S:** why

**R:** Because you wanted it and you know it.

**S:** i didnt rby pleas

**R:** Enjoy your time without a fix.

**S:** no

**S:** nono

**S:** rby pls i wanted it

**S:** i wanted it

**S:** pls

**S:** ruby

**S:** hello

**S:** ruby please i wantd it

**S:** nonono

**S:** i need it

**R:** Where are you?

**S:** symmes and rhodine motel

**S:** rm 32

**S:** please

**R:** On my way.

**END OF TRANSCRIPT**

_end of page_

* * *

**GARBER OKLAHOMA POLICE DEPARTMENT**

* * *

**POLICE REPORT**

**CASE NO:** **********

**DATE:** August 26, 2009

**REPORTING OFFICER:** Hanson, Jacqueline

**PREPARED BY:** ********

* * *

**DESCRIPTION OF ACCIDENT/ISSUE**

According to witness' accounts, three armed men entered the bar of Joleine's during the late night of August 25th, 2009. One of the bartenders, whom the witness Lindsey Jones provided the name of [REDACTED], confronted the intruders at the door. It has been determined they were in possession of several knives, in which were utilized in a threatening way. [REDACTED] attempted at settling the situation, but the other waitress [Jones] was soon taken hostage by the throat via one of the criminals. She describes how the men were after [REDACTED], however, refuses to further comment on the situation.

Neither the victim [REDACTED] nor the three suspects have been apprehended. It appears the victim has departed the generalized area, and a hunt is still going on for the three men in question. Descriptions and names have all been provided by Jones.

* * *

**REPORT SUMMARY**

One of the men, by the name of [REDACTED], was arrested at the scene of a gas station no more than thirty miles away from the incident. Inside of their vehicle was an extensive array of illegally owned firearms and weapons, with satanic cultures and ties etched all over the trunk. This was discovered underneath a false bottom in the back of the red pickup. He has been charged with multiple counts of possession of unregistered weaponry, and sentenced to a maximum of two years in Cleveland County Jail. He was not charged further due to lack of evidence to place him at the crime scene, and the victim [REDACTED] was not attending court to testify.

The other two men have still not been found. No further disciplinary actions have been taken to advance this case.

_PROPERTY OF_

_GARBER OKLAHOMA POLICE DEPARTMENT_

_end of page_

* * *

KERMIT, TEXAS PSYCHOLOGICAL THERAPY

**TRANSCRIPT**

**MAY 23, 2012 06:13:54 PM**

**WIERMAN:** Hello, Sam.

**SAM:** I've gone through this before. Skip the damn pleasantries.

**WIERMAN:** All right.

**WIERMAN:** You seem as though you don't want to be here. Why are you?

**SAM:** Someone I know made me come.

**WIERMAN:** And you listened, meaning at least some part of you wants help.

**SAM:** [PATIENT IS SILENT]

**SAM:** Listen, Doc. The last time I did this, my girlfriend was with me, and she was concerned about me wanting to kill myself. She's gone now. Here, my friend is concerned about me wanting to kill myself. I don't know why you guys are so fucking adamant about wanting me to live.

**WIERMAN:** Well, it sounds like your friend cares about you. Does that not mean anything?

**SAM:** I've barely known her.

**WIERMAN:** Yet I can tell you like her.

**SAM:** [SCOFFS]

**SAM:** Whatever.

**WIERMAN:** Sam, I don't know much about you. You don't know much about me. In all honesty, we're both just two strangers trying to communicate things that are sometimes thought better left unsaid. In reality, they're not. I understand your hesitance to talk to me. So don't think of me as a shrink. Think of me as someone who cares about you, and someone who wants to help you.

**SAM:** Everybody says that. The only people who have truly been concerned about my health are dead.

**WIERMAN:** Well, your friend is alive. I'm alive. So I don't find that necessarily true.

**SAM:** This is your job. You help because you have to. You don't—

**WIERMAN:** I'm going to stop you right there, Sam. I help because I want to. Because so many people go through so much bad in their lives...they finally just need a little good.

**SAM:** That's exactly my point. Other people have it worse. So why am I bitching to you?

**WIERMAN:** This kind of thing isn't ranked. It's not a matter of who has it the absolute inferior of a situation. Some people suffer from depression, and they have perfectly sane lives. It doesn't make anybody's problems less superior in the slightest.

**SAM:** [PATIENT IS SILENT]

**WIERMAN:** Do you want to talk about some of the things that have been bothering you?

**SAM:** My brother is gone.

**WIERMAN:** I'm sorry for your loss. I take it you two were very close?

**SAM:** [LAUGHS] You have no idea. My mother died when I was a baby. My father was an alcoholic and somebody who didn't give two shits about who he brought into this world. My brother, Dean, practically raised me.

**WIERMAN:** The loss of a parent is incomprehensible pain.

**SAM:** No. I could manage my mom and my dad's death to where I didn't feel like I was going to break. I just…Dean...

**WIERMAN:** That's not who I was talking about. Your brother was your parent. Losing him, it must be hard.

**SAM:** Oh.

**SAM:** [SOFTLY] Yeah.

**WIERMAN:** But, I propose a question to you, Sam. You say you don't want to be here anymore. If your brother was here, what would he say to that?

**SAM:** He'd say I was a dumbass and that he needed me here. He'd help me.

**WIERMAN:** So, when you say you want to kill yourself, always think of that. Do you think your brother would want you to go join him so soon?

**SAM:** No. Not at all. He'd kill me. Again.

**WIERMAN:** And there is my point. Even if they're not currently with you, you have so many people that care about your wellbeing, Sam. Just think about that. Your girlfriend, too. I'm sure you both loved each other very much. Hold onto that.

**SAM:** Thank you.

**[TIMER]**

**WIERMAN:** Since this was an introductory session to get to know more about each other, our time was unfortunately and unduly cut short. Would you like to make another meeting? Perhaps longer, next time?

**SAM:** [PATIENT IS SILENT]

**SAM:** Yeah, I think so. That would be good. Thank you.

**END OF TRANSCRIPT**

_end of page_

* * *

_After that second therapy session, I saw Dr. Wierman quite often. He helped a lot._

_Throughout our life, we've always knocked people who cried about their feelings, and kept our own in. But, throughout life, I've come to learn that...talking with people? It's a remedy unlike any other. With me gone, don't be afraid to seek it, Dean. Because I know you'll be destroyed._

_I hope some of this stuff helped to clear a few events up. A few of the documents were very hard to get, and I had to get creative in stealing them. I found 'em eventually, though._

_I didn't tell you any of this stuff to make you feel bad, or to pity me, or to be guilty. I told it so that you can understand; don't think **any** of it is your fault, because it's not._

_I love you, Dean._

_Your little brother,_

_Sam_


End file.
